Because I can...

...I just ate three entire cucumbers! And they were delicious!

On another note, what a fabulous vacation we just had. There's NOTHING like fancy hotels, midnight room service, swimming pools, and exorbitantly priced breakfasts to kick off a holiday..

Unless it's a patriotic dog collar on the world's smelliest dog, or knowing that tomorrow will be even better than today.

I can't stop eating cheese, I'm sleeping 10 hours a night, I'm hungry 24 hours a day, and I can no longer stand the sight of ketchup. I've been shocked, terrified, amazed, thrilled, and tearful over and over again. I've given up wine and caffeine. My vitamins are perfectly balanced, and I monitor my iron intake religiously. I spent 45 minutes yesterday researching the safety of herbal teas. No more tuna, no more sushi, no more deli meats, no more brie cheese.

Our family will be one extra. It's no longer just ourselves we'll have to worry about. Sometimes the responsibility of what we've gotten ourselves into hits, and I get a little bit scared. Will we have enough money for me to take time off work? Will Claudia be jealous? Will we be any good at this?

All that aside, I can't wait to meet this creature, this blueberry sized wee one who is sucking up all my energy. I hope he has a nose like his daddy, a beautiful dimple in his chin, and eyes that are coloured like tea.

The Sweetest Vengeance

...Is a life well lived. A life filled with happiness so vast that it threatens to split your heart in two. Vengeance doesn't have to involve the other person at all! This kind of vengeance thwarts all their plans without having to stoop to that level...this, my friends, is the greatest lesson I have to learn right now.

My kind of vengeance will involve chubby smiling babies, trips to Disneyland, traveling the world with someone who loves me, realizing financial goals, purring cats and loving dogs, hanging red curtains, dancing until dawn, sushi with friends, and always taking my vitamins.

My kind of vengeance will break you, because you cannot stand to see that you've failed. You've failed to make me miserable. You've failed to break me. You have failed at the only thing you know how to do. You've failed because I have all the things you don't. Because I have a heart that's filled with joy, and you will never know that.

Vengeance belongs to the Lord. But THIS, this I can do with his blessing. You can sit there with hate rotting your very being. I will choose happiness and love. Thank God I have the option.

Oh Yes...

And Pie.

I lurve it.

I lurve peach pie first,

Followed by lemon,

Then Apple.

Pumpkin pie is fantastic.

I am not a fan of pecan pie.

Shepherds pie is lovely,

But in a different category.

Sigh.

Pie.

I lurve it.

I Love You..

Because you love me enough to forgive me. Because you understand that I am weak and stupid, and you love me regardless. I know I don't deserve it...I know that I took it for granted, doubted your love. In retrospect, I can't see how I didn't see it.

You are my everything. Every breath I take in for the rest of my life is for you. I will make you happy, I will spend every day showing you how much I love you. I have to show you, because my words are so desperately inadequate. Thank you for understanding this about me, for not trying to change it. I feel accepted, adored, and appreciated. You and me, baby. I love you.

Love Your Enemies...

...and bless those who curse you. Do good to those who persecute you, and pray for those who spitefully use you.

Is that impossible? Of all the things asked of me that I have difficulty with, this is the worst. I simply do not know how. How do I forgive someone who takes joy in watching me suffer? Someone who is willing to destroy entire families, careers, and relationships in hopes of seeing a single tear? How does a person like that fit into this? Am I not supposed to fight back? And if so, where is the line drawn? Where does it stop being self-preservation and start being vengeance?

I don't think I can do it.

I have made so many mistakes. I acknowledge them, and accept them. I am willing to spend the rest of my life making them right. I understand that I have to pay the consequences of my actions, but I can't help praying every day for leniency, for understanding, for just one more chance to do the right thing...I never make the same mistake twice.

I am trying so hard not to hate.

How do I stop...

I am lonely tonight. Quarter of nine Friday night. Right around the time most people start thinking of weekend plans, calling friends, putting on eyeliner...

I'm lonely. I have a dog and two bottles of cheap wine. The dog I love, but the wine tastes like it's been put through a dishwasher with a generous amount of Palmolive.

There are places to go, if one wanted to be around people. I could put on eyeliner and a big ole fake smile and venture out to play. I would probably make some friends, meet some interesting people, hear some fascinating lies.

The problem is, I really don't like people. There are very few who are worth the skin they're sown into, and I wouldn't find them in a place full of fake smiles.

So how is it then, that I'm lonely? That I feel like I need company...and yet dread the thought of being with people?

I am just so sick of being inside my own head. Until recently, it was a beautiful place to be...I always imagined it as being golden and smelling like apples.

So much as changed in such a short amount of time. Now I imagine the inside of my head is damp and smells rather like an unused barn.

Ah well.

There are those with worse things than I.

There is a sweet smelling basil plant in the kitchen.

A dog looking at me with loving eyes.

1 and 1/3 bottles of cheap wine.

a bowl of red cherries in the fridge

and a bottle of pink toe-nail polish that needs to be tested.

But I'm still lonely.